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3/21/2009

Relentless



Relentless: Don't move, don't give in, give in... give in...no. Some people think it0s about being tough, being hard. Though character comes only from having suffered more than maybe the next guy. A man might go through something really retched, and having survived is then tougher than he was before, Being hard comes form being I have hardened, It doesn't really seem desirable to be tough or hard, but I must survive. I have determined to persevere and not to give up in spite of the pain that keeps coming back over and over. That's the only real reason I can go on at all. It is because I know that it stops even if for a time, it stop hurting for a while and life shines in like sunshine through the living room window. When the pain comes, it smashes me. I fight it knowing that I will last longer that it does. Everything changes, feelings change, situations change, pain changes. It is a matter of perseverance. Relentless perseverance. The pain rages against the inside of my skull like huge waves crashing upon the rocks. It is a storm inflicted by unknown forces of nature that cannot be stopped. I fight but I cannot hope to abate the pain. No, I fight for my dignity. I fight to keep the hope that promises relief. Other men and women have failed in this same fight, I know. I do not condemn them, nor do I pity them. They made their choice. All things considered, the choice was not unreasonable. In my own situation, I have withstood 24 years of the mist exquisite pain known to medical science. That is often how th medical journals describe the Cluster Headaches that assault me. They come in cluster: as many as three days for up to five days running- I want to brag that I have accomplished something that is difficult, but the truth is that I have only managed to hang around longer that the pain. I cannot say anything in particular will definitely bring about the pain, and I'm never sure how long it will last. All I know is that it will get better! If I just stay with it, and not give up, then the pain will go away. That is my hope. So, I persevere. I think a lot of people have gotten by in the same way. We all just keep on going. Having survived, we are thought ones we don't have any medals hanging out our chests. There are no certificates, awards or plaques for us to show.Our continued existence is our testimony. We are relentless. When forces completely beyond our control force terrible pressure upon us, we don't relent, we will remain when they have done with us. I don't know if other s feel the same4 way I do about this, but it wears me down. I feel so tired at times that it is almost like I could just let slip the grip I have and wonder if I wouldn't just slide into the abyss. Have stood at that edge, and felt as if my grip had slid to the very edge of my finger tips. It was as if I was balances in one timeless moment were the choice was altogether one way or the other. I could go in only one of just two directions. I have always leaned. Pushed, clawed and dragged towards the relentless condition of my life. I have stood at the edge, looked in, and I know what is my character. I'm relentless.

5 comments:

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Anonymous said...

There so much pain in my heart, and wish to sleep forever, time goes by and my life keeps being the same pain, i cry :' ( i wish i could shout for help but there is no one hear outside at this side of the world, but your story touch my heart and i no know that im not the only one feeling this way, i want todo things right and live happy thank you : )

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The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’, but ‘That’s funny…’ Isaac Asimov



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