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3/21/2009

What if God got blinked?


Sometimes I feel like a bit of a freak. I guess I don't mind because I keep acting the part, but how I can help it? I'm the way I am, at least at the moment. I try my best, or at least I do want to even id it seems like I could somehow do better. My jokes often fall flat, my cute quips flounder. People half smile and mumbled: “OK...” Oh, I don't think of it as utter rejection. It does seem like something less than total acceptance either. My ego has come to a place where I am OK with me and how I affect people, but I don't want to alienate anyone. After all, I do like people. Oh, there are so many disappointments, out on the whole, I would have to say that I'm more in favor of compassion than I am supportive of disassociative behavior. Certainly, this place makes dependency and bitterness a real problem. Someone gets down, and it has an impact on everyone around them. That's one of the reasons I try to avoid the pity party. Perhaps most people would not put it that way. I guess the normative view might be to say that is important to engage a pro social behavior for the common good of the members of the particular social unit... OK that language might be normative of a sociologist or something.
Great, I can't really guess at what a normative statement might really sound like just at the moment. Given enough time, I believe I could at least fake it. I don't know , I just fell like something of an outsider.. That's fine in prison. I don't want to be with the in-crowd here. I have managed to move in and through these cycles with a very comfortable level of acceptance. We all get along just fine, but I don't want to be anyone's homie. I don't want to be triple help. Let them be cool. I'll just do my own thing and be happy. It does work for me. I fell love and compassion for people, even the challenging one. Compassion is not always the first response, but it can come later even if I must grab hold with but hands and drag it to the front of my soul. It can be difficult to be accepting of other when it seems as if they y be less accepting of themselves. No Problem: love 'em anyway. There are some really, really unattractive people. I don't mean they look ugly, I mean that they act ugly. I'm learning o be less critical that way. As I treat people the way I want to be treated , and fell good about it, I become more and more comfortable it is the way I feel about myself and how I fit into the world. It really doesn't matter how they act, it is more about what I do that makes me feel comfortable about my little place in the world.

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