The Voices of Avenal Prison

Relentless

2009-03-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

Relentless: Don't move, don't give in, give in... give in...no. Some people think it0s about being tough, being hard. Though character comes only from having suffered more than maybe the next guy. A man might go through something really retched, and having survived is then tougher than he was before, Being hard comes form being I have hardened, It doesn't really seem desirable to be tough or hard, but I must survive. I have determined to persevere and not to give up in spite of the pain that keeps coming back over and over. That's the only real reason I can go on at all. It is because I know that it stops even if for a time, it stop hurting for a while and life shines in like sunshine through the living room window. When the pain comes, it smashes me. I fight it knowing that I will last longer that it does. Everything changes, feelings change, situations change, pain changes. It is a matter of perseverance. Relentless perseverance. The pain rages against the inside of my skull like huge waves crashing upon the rocks. It is a storm inflicted by unknown forces of nature that cannot be stopped. I fight but I cannot hope to abate the pain. No, I fight for my dignity. I fight to keep the hope that promises relief. Other men and women have failed in this same fight, I know. I do not condemn them, nor do I pity them. They made their choice. All things considered, the choice was not unreasonable. In my own situation, I have withstood 24 years of the mist exquisite pain known to medical science. That is often how th medical journals describe the Cluster Headaches that assault me. They come in cluster: as many as three days for up to five days running- I want to brag that I have accomplished something that is difficult, but the truth is that I have only managed to hang around longer that the pain. I cannot say anything in particular will definitely bring about the pain, and I'm never sure how long it will last. All I know is that it will get better! If I just stay with it, and not give up, then the pain will go away. That is my hope. So, I persevere. I think a lot of people have gotten by in the same way. We all just keep on going. Having survived, we are thought ones we don't have any medals hanging out our chests. There are no certificates, awards or plaques for us to show.Our continued existence is our testimony. We are relentless. When forces completely beyond our control force terrible pressure upon us, we don't relent, we will remain when they have done with us. I don't know if other s feel the same4 way I do about this, but it wears me down. I feel so tired at times that it is almost like I could just let slip the grip I have and wonder if I wouldn't just slide into the abyss. Have stood at that edge, and felt as if my grip had slid to the very edge of my finger tips. It was as if I was balances in one timeless moment were the choice was altogether one way or the other. I could go in only one of just two directions. I have always leaned. Pushed, clawed and dragged towards the relentless condition of my life. I have stood at the edge, looked in, and I know what is my character. I'm relentless.

What if God got blinked?

2009-03-21T09:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like a bit of a freak. I guess I don't mind because I keep acting the part, but how I can help it? I'm the way I am, at least at the moment. I try my best, or at least I do want to even id it seems like I could somehow do better. My jokes often fall flat, my cute quips flounder. People half smile and mumbled: “OK...” Oh, I don't think of it as utter rejection. It does seem like something less than total acceptance either. My ego has come to a place where I am OK with me and how I affect people, but I don't want to alienate anyone. After all, I do like people. Oh, there are so many disappointments, out on the whole, I would have to say that I'm more in favor of compassion than I am supportive of disassociative behavior. Certainly, this place makes dependency and bitterness a real problem. Someone gets down, and it has an impact on everyone around them. That's one of the reasons I try to avoid the pity party. Perhaps most people would not put it that way. I guess the normative view might be to say that is important to engage a pro social behavior for the common good of the members of the particular social unit... OK that language might be normative of a sociologist or something.
Great, I can't really guess at what a normative statement might really sound like just at the moment. Given enough time, I believe I could at least fake it. I don't know , I just fell like something of an outsider.. That's fine in prison. I don't want to be with the in-crowd here. I have managed to move in and through these cycles with a very comfortable level of acceptance. We all get along just fine, but I don't want to be anyone's homie. I don't want to be triple help. Let them be cool. I'll just do my own thing and be happy. It does work for me. I fell love and compassion for people, even the challenging one. Compassion is not always the first response, but it can come later even if I must grab hold with but hands and drag it to the front of my soul. It can be difficult to be accepting of other when it seems as if they y be less accepting of themselves. No Problem: love 'em anyway. There are some really, really unattractive people. I don't mean they look ugly, I mean that they act ugly. I'm learning o be less critical that way. As I treat people the way I want to be treated , and fell good about it, I become more and more comfortable it is the way I feel about myself and how I fit into the world. It really doesn't matter how they act, it is more about what I do that makes me feel comfortable about my little place in the world.

Oh God

2009-03-21T06:13:00.000-07:00

I repent for the things I'v done and should have done

for the things I've said and should have said

for the things I've thought and should have thought.

Thank you Lord for Your blessings yesterday

Please bless today and make it holy

Please help me live a holy life today

Amen

All she has

2009-01-16T06:45:00.001-08:00

A poor old woman, once there was.

Her husband long since dead.

She worked her fingers to the bone

To keep her family fed.

She labored for each meal they ate.

And daily did she strive

To scant produce what they need most

And keep them all alive.

No Bible did she ever own.

From sermons that she’d heard,

Though sometimes they’d no food to eat,

She fed them with the Word.

She early rose each Sabbath morn.

And walking while she’d sing.

She trod a mile in worn out shoes

To make her offering.

She didn’t stop to think of what

Tomorrow held in store.

Through tears she prayed, “I love you God.

I wish I could give more. ”

Some rich folk, showing their disdain

and overflowing pride,

laughed when they saw the woman put

her last two cents inside.

Each week she gives all that she has

Because she loves the Lord.

And since she gives all from the heart

She earns a grand reward.

Kapoe.

The Battle

2009-01-16T06:36:00.001-08:00

Listen to me my friends,

And the story that I tell.

I’m sure a few of you,

Have a story just as well.

Mine is about the woman,

Whom I took for my bride.

How she turned my love to pain,

No matter how hard I tried.

Now I’ve stood up in battle,

Never daunted always proud.

Even in my losses,

The lord knows I never cowered.

But when my woman let me,

It dropped me to my knees.

I begged her for mercy,

My voice heard only by the breeze.

Her weapon was my love for her

And with this she blinded me.

She then tore my heart out

Cast my soul into the sea

No counter attack,

No time for a retreat.

I knew not of the battle,

So I was already beat.

So I say to you my friends.

Before you live love a try.

Remember my story

And if you should lose as I.

The pain of love will haunt you

Until the day you die.

Write to me:

Clinton Everett

J-76643 310-1-19U Po box 9

Avenal, CA 93204
USA

Why?

2008-11-15T08:38:00.000-08:00

Why does her happiness
cause so much pain
The pain she feels for the
love she can’t have
The pain he feels for the
times she leaves
The pain she feels knowing
others get hurt
The pain he feels from
the years to do
Why is this love so strong
Why can’t he forget her
Why can’t she forget him
Why can’t they stay happy
Why can’t he give her
what she needs
Why does it always happen
that the pain
seems to never end
Why can’t I break away
must I always be slave
to his love, these feelings
that never seem to end
Why do they believe in happy-ever-after
they have short time together
and life turns apart
Oh, but those moments
are worth all the pain.

Write to me:

Norman Wayne Whillote C29683

310-2-61L Po Box 9

Avenal, CA 93204

USA

Raymona

2008-11-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

I know your name, you who hides behind
the disguise of tears.
I watched you as you slept and from the
corner of my eye. I saw the confusion.
Why do you want my attention? A
physician I am not, a provider I can be. But why?
If only to return. Turn i sto say… I know.
From the darkest shadows, I’ve been!
Whitout logic, feelings, or appreciation of the real
facts, I saw you feel.
Most striking at first this appearance of
sudden illumination, the hearts imagination,
issueing a rash dismessa, valueing my feelings of
past experience.
I’ve been struck, and as a sample of one,
I can report… I was moved by your anticipated
Performance of mindless chatter, the concept that
explains your very being. I kneel to the motive
of your madivess.
Bound by the data of time, without thinking,
we reserve what we accept.
What about time, has anyone seen it recently?

Thanks
Paulie

Just Faith

2008-11-11T08:19:00.000-08:00

His salvation rescued me.
My sins are gone. My soul is free.
But i've hurt people my Lord.
There's thing that i must make up for.
For the pain that i've beset,
please show me how to pay my debt.
From high up in His judgement seat,
He pointed earthward, toward my feet.
Into a great pit i did stare.
His booming voice said, "JUMP IN THERE."
Deep in the pit, no light nor sound.
The very thought made my heart pound.
If that's the way,Lord, i will try.
But promise me that i won't die.
"NO PROMISE WILL I MAKE TO THEE.
HAVE FAITH, WHAT HAPPENS' MEANT TO BE."
The pain i've caused i so despise.
I spread my arms and closed my eyes.
I put my faith in God above.
I bent my knees and gave a shove.
I dared not think where i might land.
Then on my arm i felt His hand.
I opened my eyes and there i stood
on solid ground and all was good.
He said," MY SON, I'VE CLEARED YOUR SIN.
WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, NOT WHERE YOU'VE BEEN."

Kapoe

A call to prayer

2008-11-11T08:14:00.001-08:00

Greetings
Hello and peace be with you. In this tome of uncertainty
our President along with the leaders of our world are
experiencing a number of gritical situations at home
and abroad. From the economy to peace in the middle
east the never ending array of problems they face
require that wise and knowledgeable decisions be made.
I am sure that the decision making process used is a
difficult one. Please pray with me that God willgrant
our leaders the wisdom and understanding necessary to
govern our countring and lead us to a time
of peace and proaperity.

May God Bless you in all you do.

Write to me:

Daniel Larson - F40838
310-1-9L Po Box 9
Avenal, CA 93204
USA

Follow me

2008-06-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

Each day I must take up my cross
and walk to Calvary.
I sacrifice my self to Him.
A servant for to be.
My old self must be crucified and die to sin each day.
If I’m to walk as Jesus walked then that’s the only way.
He’s with me on the road each day to guide me patiently.
He says, “I’ve walked this road before. You need just follow me.”
If I will give my life to Him
He’ll give it back to me.
I treacle the worthless for the best and live eternally.
The precious gold we love on Earth and hoard in our abodes, cannot compare to Heaven’s best.
It’s used to pave the roads.

Kapoe

Rams Rule

2008-06-22T17:35:00.001-07:00

The 2000 Super Bowl champions beat with determination the Tennensee Titans "get your smashon!"

write to me
Jonathan Marino J84807
310-2-27L Po Box 9
Avenal, CA 93204
USA

Your picture

2008-06-21T05:59:00.000-07:00

I sit here every night,
your picture by my bed.
Dreaming of the future,
fantasies of you, and I, run through my head.
For you are truly beautiful,
and your letters hold so much.
I long to meet in person,
to feel your tender touch.
To look into your eyes,
and behold the soul within.
But for now, I just have your picture,
and all that I pretend.
I have faith, dear, because I know,
sometimes dreams come true.that is why all my dreams,
are solely filled with you.
Now all these words I put on paper,
You may have heard before.
That’s because anyone can use them,
as they are words and nothing more.
What you have to look for,
is how they are meant instead.
These words I tell your picture,
That hangs beside my bed.

Clinton Everett
J76643 310 – 1 – 19U
Avenal, CA 93204
USA

The King

2008-06-20T11:05:00.001-07:00

Write me
James Denzin F73718
310-1-44U Po Box 9
Avenal, CA 93204
USA

I forgive me

2008-06-18T08:16:00.000-07:00

A
I Know my heart (breathe in)
And I forgive me (breathe out)
I know my soul (breathe in)
And I forgive me (breathe out)
I know my life (breathe in)
And I forgive me (breathe out)
I know my mind (breathe in)
And I forgive me (breathe out)
back to A

Forgive my self ends the self-destructive inner conflict.
I become my own best friend. If anyone is going to understand and love me it has to start with me. While saying this I picture Angels surrounding me, filling me with God's love. I feel acceptance and inner peace.

Dave14

Another Chance

2008-06-18T08:12:00.001-07:00

Dear God, forgive my foolish pride.
May I learn from my shame.
I blew another chance to day
to glorify your name.
Dear Lord, please help me be prepared.
Implant it in my heart.
That I be poised with shield in hand
to face each evil dart.
Please keep your light before my eyes
in every thing I do.
That I might stay upon the path
I choose to walk for you.
Put so much love within my heart
that I can’t even see the paths to which the devil points
that lead away from thee.
May all my step be placed by you
and not by foolish pride.
That all may see your guiding hand
And you’ll be glorified.

Amen

Kapoe

The day I bought a cardboard brief case (Ernie the king of cardboard)

2008-06-09T01:30:00.000-07:00

I would have never thought I’d live to see the day in which I would buy a cardboard brief case for my documents; instead , here it is!

To tell you the truth it is not really a brief case but more something like an elegant box. It’s made of sturdy cardboard, thin at the same time (I think it is the one from the shipments of the prison Industry Authority). It stands on its own , just like a briefcase, and it even has a semi-circular hollow , on one of the long sides, to let you grab folders and magazines with ease. On one of the short sides it has two protruding pockets, rigorously made of cardboard, one for pens and pencils and the other , tiny , for eraser and pencil-sharpner the finishing is so meticulous that even the outlines that normally would show the cardboard wavy veinin(?) have been covered with small stripes of paper obtained from the same raw material. Every thing patiently glued and even refined with sand paper to smooth (???) the unavoidable breaks.

The name of the craftsman that gave life to this creation is Ernie and he is a carpenter in his normal life; it’s easy for me to believe also that he is a good carpenter after seeing what he manages to do with simple cardboard.

I am writing on a “made by Ernie” notepad; I have seen him saw and glue curious coffee tables, sturdy television shelves , elegant boxes for chess pieces or simple trash cans.

Everything the prisons severity denies us Ernie creates out of nothing : out of cardboard.

I am an excessively neat individual , almost anal in my precision somebody would say, and that must be the reason why the other day Ernie approached me with his project.

Maybe he saw me struggling in my attempts to keep my papers , documents and magazines organized while trying to book quickly one of the few available tables.

The luxury of order would cost me two dollars but it become a full deodorant after I saw Ernie performing his magic on the briefcase for an entire day (all of three dollars at the current market value).

Ernie is a drug-addict and once, while talking to me, confessed without a shadow of embarassement that he loves his drugs; maybe he will get high again after leaving this place.

For sure after seeing those hands holding the cardboard I cound’t avoid thinking that there must be a better way: Ernie would fit so well drinking a glass of Chianti with a couple of folks I know back in Borgo a Buggiano . J

How can I explain to you the joy one can feel in keeping organized four pieces of paper after living three years with half his stuff in bags like an homeless person?

For sure Wayne did not need any explanation (he is the same guy of the suicidal poems on this blog); as he read the joy in my eyes he started drawing on the brief case fake labels with the names of prison and airports of my four year long night mare.

This way on top of the order given to me as a present from the king of cardboard I can also imagine myself breathing the stuffy air of those airport terminals that now a days I almost have trouble remembering.

At least until next inspection …. L

Carlo Parlanti F25457

310-1.12U

The king of cardboard is:

Ernie Gutierrez F37883

310-1-14L

Any moment

2008-06-07T04:43:00.000-07:00

He could show up any moment.

Unexpected as a thief.

God only know exactly when.

Our time here could be brief.

What He comes upon the could?

Will you be ashamed to see Him?

Or will you make Him proud?

Will it be the very moment

that the tempter draws you in?

Then in the twinkling of an eye

He'll find you in your sin.

We must live every moment

as though it were the one

the trumpet blast will fill the air

and we will meet God's Son.

Be constant in the Saviour’s work

until He intervenes.

And that is how He'll find you.

That what "Be ready" means.

Kapoe

Look over me

2008-06-07T04:33:00.000-07:00

During this long night

I stand alone.

Will it ever end
Will the godness mother

grant me another season

another day

a love without end.

The cold rips to my very soul

embers of a fire long gone cold

alone I came

alone I must stand

the mother looking over

this man that I am.

Norman Wayne Willhoite C29683

310-1-17L Po Box 9

Avenal, CA 93204

USA

Wandered

2008-06-07T04:15:00.000-07:00

Wandering through the jungle of my mind.

As I stand in the center, by myself,

playing it safe, just watching everything, for

beauty and simplicity is all around me.
Awakened by my surroundings, even

in the most ordinary things, I am able to

see the patterns, even in chaos there is order.
We are what we think, all that we are, arises
with our thoughts and with

our thoughts, we make the world, and in this

world, to be a mighty warrior, one must yield

and conquer himself, through discipline and

respect for oneself and for others.
For the uncontrolled there is no wisdom.

Thanks.

Write to me:

Paul Lara V76259

350-1-55y Po box 9

Avenal, CA 93204

USA

I Love you

2008-05-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

Crude Art

The least of men

2008-03-20T09:38:00.000-07:00

I asked myself, why would the Lord,

in perfect deity,

waste a moment or a thought

on a failure like me?

On my own I'm nothing good.

I've ruined and I've squandered.

One disappointment to the next

through my vain life I've wandered.

But our dear God in Heaven

still wants me for His son.

He looks at me as perfect,

no matter what I've done.

My failures make me realize

the grace my God has shown.

They ingrain in me the knowledge

that I'm nothing on my own.

There are heroes in the Bible

that everyone admires.

Some cowards or adulterers.

Some murderers or liars.

God made of them the noblest

of men the world has know.

By working through the least of men

the Father's power's shown.

Kapoe

Greetings

2008-03-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

Hello and peace be with you. This week I would like to talk about a Dave. Dave Morgan Osborne and her colleagues at "Loving Hearts ministry" reach out to many prisoners; by doing so they touch many hearts with the good news of our risen Lord. These servants of the Lord are truly responding to the calling of Christ in their lives and are dearly loved and highly esteemed by me and many of the brethren. Their efforts to hourse, feed and care for the prisoners and the poor are exemplary and I feel that they are well worthy of our praise and prayers. So please join me in prayer this week for the Lords blessing of prosper to touch every aspect of their ministry and that He will continually expand and furnish this ministry by meeting all of it's needs above and beyond what they feel they might need. While we are at it let's pray that the Lords blessing be on all of the small ministries that are pleasing to Him.

May Gods Love and peace be with you.

Daniel Larson - F40838

310-1-9L Po Box 9

Avenal, CA 93204

USA

Raiders

2008-03-18T04:36:00.000-07:00

Another couple of gift for all those millions of Raiders' fans, "get your look on"!

A few other drawing by Johnny Marino. Johnny is also trying to set up his own web site at www.sports-zoo.com but for the moment you'll be able to check out his production here on Avenal Voice.If you would like Johnny to draw a custom piece for you, please write him explaining in your own words what you would like...

Write to me:

Jonathan Marino J84807

310-2-27L Po Box 9

Avenal, CA 93204

USA

Bookmark For Katia

2008-03-18T04:16:00.000-07:00

A call to prayer

2008-03-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

This is my very first writing of this type and I hope to turn it into a weekly effort; every week I would like to indicate a person or perhaps a group of people and yes quite possibly a religious group that I feel really needs our prayers at the time; I hope that after reading this you will go directly to pray for them, putting them first and then afterward you'll go about your day shining with the light of His glory in your life.

I want to thank you for your support and invite you also to write me with comments and suggestions for prayers: I will write back and I will pray!

Now for my call to prayer for this week I would like to ask you to pray with me for all those in China that are in prison for sharing the word of Christ with their fellow men; let’s pray for their release and for God to give them His grace and strength, to them and their families that live in these terrible times.

Right now in China this is a terrible problem and the only way to fight it is with prayers first: the lord will lead the way for whatever will come next.

God Bless

Daniel Larson - F40838

310-1-9L Po Box 9

Avenal, CA 93204

USA